Dreaming.

Late last night, after I didn't do my Astro problem set, I relapsed into my "I don't know if I should be here I'm not even excited about classes" stage and had to redecide if I was really going to stay after the first year.

Of course it all came down to I'm going to stay, but something's gotta give. Give Give Give.

Then I tried falling asleep and maybe it was because the bed was crowded and maybe it was because I was still pretty sick and maybe it was because it was so late and it'd been a long day and the room was hallucinationinducing kind of hot but whatever the reason, the moment I fell asleep led to a fitful night with dream after dream of one on one interactions with people who I've met and haven't yet met and maybe who don't exist at all telling me that I've changed and I used to be this and I used to be that but all the things that I used to be were the good things. I used to care about classes, I used to care about my health, I used to care about school, I used to care about where I was.

So I woke up, groggily, to my alarm of Q-Tip's "Gettin Up" and decided that today had to be the day where I did what I've been saying I was going to do and I get my life back. In a completely nondramatic way. All that I can think of is that I used to be a fucking good student but I barely study here and usually do the homework. No matter what I would put in the most effort though, except for in Precalc, but whatevs, that was Junior year man. SENIOR YEAR I had a D at midterm, spring term, in Stat, yet turned it into a friggin A by the end. All A's at the end of that year. I had so much gotdamn drive. I loved my classes. I loved my teachers. I loved discussion.

Honestly, what this is coming down to is that my love for the institution of school (which I've always loved. Always. I was bred to love school.) suffers when I stupidly stupidly stupidly decide to not take a class with discussion and books and metaphors and similes and fiction! Dear gods I miss fiction like no other! Last week my fingers stumbled upon an old copy of Cane in the library and I got painfully nostalgic for discussing Cane in Onion's class.

Perhaps I've just been spoiled. Peddie spoiled me with English teachers.

Either way, I'm sick of not liking the school part of school. Sure, I had the ideal set up at the end of last school year (video production, creative writing, africanamerican literature and culture, statistics, theatre) but the ideal set up isn't always guaranteed, particularly when I've got these stupid requirements to get through before the end of Sophomore year.



I hereby reclaim my love for learning and schooling and kicking ass scholastically speaking (and also I reclaim that feeling you get after eating something healthy) as complacency isn't really doing it for me.


also: bro'conn, saturday